A HOPE that lasts.

This past summer the Hunter and I again scheduled appointments at the fertility clinic.  We went with hopes in doctors and science.  Our greatest hope was that they would successfully aid in a miracle of conception.  I took pills that caused my body to prepare double…I felt the side effects and hope grew…maybe THIS month!   

We worked around the Hunter’s complex work load, a funeral, child care for the sweet toddler in our home and all the other daily to-dos to schedule the perfect timing for the IUI procedure.  It was a Saturday and the clinic was extremely quiet and relaxed…closed actually.  Their doors opened only to the ultra time sensitive procedures like our own…not even a receptionist sat at the front desk…in her place at the counter, a note saying that they were expecting us, please sit.   J  So, we sat. And hope grew! 

The morning turned into a treasured and intimate date with the Hunter.  Laughter filled our conversations and the relaxed atmosphere was a much needed reprieve.  Funny how life is full of gifts where we least expect them. 

The lab count shows us that 2.4 million of the Hunter’s healthy sperm were placed within my uterus where we only needed one to successfully begin that miraculous explosion of cells…Conception.  We prayed and did the only thing left to do…WAIT again for those elusive two pink lines.  And hope grew!

As weeks pasted, we came to the realization that this was not the month…there was no conception.  Where was the hope that had grown so steadily?  It seemed to have vanished.  I struggled to find it…  The book of Proverbs mentions how hope deferred makes the heart sick.  You know that feeling when you fear a severe head cold is coming on?  I had that feeling only different because it was in my heart.  My beginning symptoms were not a sore throat and a runny nose but instead feelings of being let down (a sort of falling) and disappointment felt deep in my soul and then the difficulty and struggle to get back up to the hope that I had experienced just days earlier.  My heart ached and I was tempted not to hope …it had to be safer…easier…didn’t it?  41 months and I was exhausted of this infertility journey…hope seemed far away and I was too tired to reach for it again.

But, then I remembered the great joy that hope brings to life.  A life without hope is bleak and dismal, bitter and dark at best. 

HOPE…yes, I want to have this and the joy it brings in my life…so the question in my heart becomes, “How?”  How do I have HOPE the morning after a failed IUI and no pregnancy?  Could it be that maybe we all need a HOPE that lasts through tomorrow?  A hope for the mornings… after a scary diagnosis and surgery…after a heart wrenching relationship and divorce…after a child’s death and funeral…after ALL of the hard things, questions and disappointments scattered throughout our daily lives.

I began to search and listen for the word HOPE, attentive to any insight or helpful piece of wisdom. 

Below is some of what I found:

 

Proverbs 13:12 (ESV) 

HOPE deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.

Proverbs 10:28 (ESV)

The HOPE of the righteous brings joy, but the expectation of the wicked will perish.

Yet, who can really claim to be righteous (perfect in every respect; without any fault or wrongdoing)? 

Romans 3:10-26 and 4:4-8 (ESV)

As it is written:  “None is righteous, no, not one;

No one understands;

No one seeks for God.

All have turned aside; together they have become worthless; no one does good, not even one”

“Their throat is an open grave; they use their tongues to deceive”

“The venom of asps is under their lips”

“Their mouth is full of curses and bitterness.”

“Their feet are swift to shed blood; in their paths are ruin and misery, and the way of peace they have not known.”

“There is no fear of God before their eyes.”

Now we know that whatever the law says it speaks to those who are under the law, so that every mouth may be stopped, and the whole world may be held accountable to God.  For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin.  But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it – the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe.  For there is no distinction:  for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified  by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith.  This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins.  It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the one who has faith in Jesus.

Now to the one who works, his wages are not counted as a gift but as his due.  And to the one who does not work but believes in him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is counted as righteousness, just as David also speaks of the blessing of the one to whom God counts righteousness apart from works:  “Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin.”  

It is to those that have faith in Jesus, those that believe in God, who justifies the ungodly, that their faith is counted as righteousness!  We can be made righteous (perfect in every respect; without fault or wrong doing) through our faith in God!  Jesus’ perfect life, death and resurrection will cover our sin-filled and messy life when we believe in him, accepting this gift of salvation…HOPE…”The HOPE of the righteous brings JOY…”

Do you believe in Jesus? 

Have you accepted this incredible gift? 

No doubt some of you do believe and some of you do NOT. 

Could it be that some of you believed a long time ago and have forgotten?

I beg you to consider that any other source of hope will not last.  Some morning you will wake to find it vanished.  People let you down…

Money and resources run out…

Health deteriorates and physical strength wanes…

Plans change…

Lives end…

Safety is threatened…

Companies downsize and jobs are lost…

Weather changes…

Popularity declines…

Science and knowledge are limited…

Treasured possessions are stolen…

Technology malfunctions…

Buildings crumble…

Drugs disappoint…

Batteries die…

Parties end…

Children grow up…

Music and performances are silenced…

Peace turns to chaos…

Bottles of wine and alcohol empty…

Even crops (food) become scarce and nonexistent due to natural disasters…

AND infertility continues…

Hope…can vanish.

What are you hoping in that could let you down tomorrow? 

1 Timothy 6:17 (ESV)

As for the rich in this present age, charge them not to be haughty, nor to set their HOPEs on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly provides us with everything to enjoy.

Psalm 33:13-22 (ESV)

The LORD looks down from heaven: he sees all the children of man; from where he sits enthroned he looks out on all the inhabitants of the earth, he who fashions the hearts of them all and observes all their deeds.  The king is not saved by his great army; a warrior is not delivered by his great strength.  The war horse is a false HOPE for salvation, and by its great might it cannot rescue.  Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear him, on those who HOPE in his stead fast love that he may deliver their soul from death and keep them alive in famine.  Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.  For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name.  Let your stead fast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we HOPE in you.

Have you given up on HOPE and the joy it brings? 

Maybe, like me, you have asked, “How long?” 

Are you discouraged…too exhausted to reach up for HOPE yet again?

Be encouraged there really is a HOPE that lasts through any tomorrow!  HOPE in God is certain and lasts because His love is steadfast (never ending, unchanging and faithful), even when we are faithless, and in Him is salvation and FULL redemption!!!! 

Redemption is the act, process or an instance of redeeming…Definition of Redeem:

To buy back: REPURCHASE, to get or win back

To free from what distresses or harms, to free from captivity by payment of ransom, to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental, to release from blame or debt: CLEAR, to free from the consequences of sin.

To change for the better: REFORM.

REPAIR, RESTORE

To free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby, to remove the obligation of by payment, to exchange for something of value, to make good: FULFILL.

To atone for: EXPIATE, to offset the bad effect of, to make worthwhile: RETRIEVE

Synonym: see RESCUE

Psalm 13 (ESV)

How long, O LORD?  Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?  

How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. 

But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 130:1-7 (ESV)

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD!

O LORD, hear my voice!

Let your ears be attentive to the voice of my pleas for mercy!

If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities, O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I HOPE;

My soul waits for the Lord more than watchmen for the morning, more than watchman for the morning.

O, Israel, HOPE in the LORD!

For with the LORD there is steadfast love, and with him is plentiful redemption.

We have a huge sin problem…it is fatal and will end in death—Eternity in HELL!  Our countless wrong doings have offended the maker of heaven and earth!  Do you catch the magnitude of this offense?  We have offended the maker of all things! 

Knowing this, I find it near impossible not to tremble at my need for His steadfast love and salvation. 

The God who knows how many stars are in the galaxies, grains of sand are along the ocean and snowflakes are floating in the air…He knows my name and yours…He sees me and He sees you…He knows the exact number of hairs on my head (Gray hair.) and your head too…He knows my HOPE or lack thereof and he knows yours…

He knows our heartache and struggles…He loves with a perfectly faithful and steadfast love AND in Him is full redemption and salvation from this fatal offense!!!

Psalm 62:5-8 (ESV)

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my HOPE is from him.

He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be shaken.

On God rests my salvation and my glory; my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him;

God is a refuge for us.

Psalm 71:14-15 (ESV)

But I will HOPE continually and will praise you yet more and more.

My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge.

Still, there are days like the morning after our failed IUI.  Times when my HOPE is in the LORD and yet raw feelings over take what I know to be true.  The writer of Lamentations shares about a time like this…

Lamentations 3:17-18 (ESV

My soul is bereft of peace; I have forgotten what happiness is; so I say, “My endurance has perished; so has my HOPE from the LORD.”…

A couple of verses down…the ultimate key to HOPE on days like these.

Lamentations 3:21-26

But this I call to mind and therefore I have HOPE;

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness. 

“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will HOPE in him.”

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

It is good that one should wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.

Even the Psalmist has to remind himself what is true when his soul is cast down…multiple times in fact.

Psalm 42:5-6a and 8 (ESV)

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

HOPE in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me: therefore I remember you {God}…

By day the LORD commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life.  (Truth, Gratitude and a Night Song)

Psalm 42:11 (ESV)

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

HOPE in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

Psalm 43:5 (ESV)

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

HOPE in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

There is reason to rejoice and purpose behind our trials and sufferings. 

1 Peter 1:3-9 (ESV)

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ!  According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living HOPE through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.  In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus  Christ.  Though you have not seen him, you love him.  Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

Romans 5:1-5 (ESV)

Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand and we rejoice in HOPE of the glory of God.  Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces HOPE, and HOPE does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us. 

Find rest my soul; put your HOPE in God!

 

Romans 15:13 (ESV)

May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in HOPE.

Are you hungry?

It has been my sincere intention to write about my recent discoveries regarding the word HOPE.  I want to write about how I have fought for hope, searched for hope, longed for hope and feared to hope when my hope had turned into disappointment.  It is still my intention to do so, but while those words are still between my heart, mind, books and computer, I would like to share this trailer with you.  I watched it several times today.  You may too, especially if you find yourself hungry for more than just food!

I have not read the book, {YET} but I did pre-order it today and plan to read it very soon.  J 

I pray that, whatever your “bitter “ is, it will turn sweet because it causes you to find God is near and He desperately wants you to be his child.  Adoption into His family is already made possible because of the shed blood of Jesus that redeems your life of sin. 

(P.S.  Adoption is a beautiful picture to me this Autumn season and I can’t wait to write more about it too…I am thinking it will be right after the post on HOPE…thanks so much for reading…I am praying for you!  I am praying that you will see & know that God is delightfully good even in the midst of your deepest struggle and pain.)

Enough…Definitely More than Enough.

I recently read this chapter entitled “Enough” within the book Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist.  It resonated within me and I related with her so much that I wanted to share it with you. 

 

Enough

“Something extraordinary happened to me today, I found out a dear friend is pregnant.  That’s not extraordinary.  Everyone I know is pregnant.  You think I’m exaggerating, but I have seventeen pregnant friends, and nine friends with babies born since September.  Not just Facebook friends or acquaintances either – real see-them-at-church, go-to-their-showers, send-them-baby-blankets friends.

It’s an epidemic, and I sometimes think I might be at the center of it – like if you’re my friend, you’re 883,584 times more likely to get pregnant than if you’re not.  I’m like an incredibly successful fertility drug.  My friend Kelly used to say that if you want to get married, you should be his roommate, because for a couple of years everyone who moved in with him promptly met someone, fell in love, moved out, and got married.  That’s how I am with pregnancies.  Trying to conceive? Be my friend.  It works for you, but it doesn’t seem to be working for me.

Henry will be five this year, and since his first birthday, we’ve been trying to have another baby—seeing doctors, praying, longing.  I’ve miscarried twice, and one of the pregnancies was twins.  And in the meantime, approximately every woman I know between twenty and forty has announced a pregnancy.

At one point this winter I was feeling so tender and raw about it that at dinner with my family, I said, 'If any of you is pregnant, I just need you to tell me now.'  I said this to my almost-sixty-year-old parents and my single brother.  They stared at me with confusion, but at that point, nothing would have surprised me.  My phone’s probably pregnant.  That chair over there probably just got pregnant without even trying.

Clearly, I was not handling this well.  At one point I told Aaron, 'Pregnant is the new skinny.'  What I meant is, if you know me at all, you know that one of my most cracked-up, terribly errant beliefs is that skinny people are always happy.  Because I think I would be happy all day long if I was skinny.  If something upset me, I would just look down at my long, skinny legs – happiness!  If my heart was broken, I’d just put on a bikini – and that sadness would vanish.

I know this isn’t true.  I know this is crazy talk.  I know miserable skinny people.  But I confess that sometimes I want to shake them; I know, I know, this or that has got you down, but find a three-way mirror and look at your butt.  Don’t you feel better now?  I know I would.

I found myself believing the same thing about being pregnant – that all my left-out, broken-down, fragile, ugly feelings would vanish the second I saw the all-important line on the pregnancy test.  I know it’s not true, but I felt it.

I became the person people don’t want to tell they’re pregnant.  I hate that.  A friend told me her happy, fantastic news, and just a second later she burst out crying, afraid for how this would make me feel.  I hate that.  I work really hard to arrange my face in such a way that approximates uncomplicated glee.  And I am happy for them, of course.  But sometimes just after the happiness is the desperation.  Some days are easier than others.

At one point I told Aaron that if I found out I wasn’t pregnant that month, I’d break something glass, just to feel it shatter in my hands.  I was counting the days all the time, recounting, hoping.  And then I found out I wasn’t pregnant.  Again.  I didn’t break anything, but I posted something on my blog about how I was feeling.  I should have been doing all sorts of other, more urgent work, but that morning at the coffee shop, all that sadness and frustration and confusion bled out of my fingers and onto the screen.

Later that week I had lunch with my friend Emily.  She lives in Michigan and came in town to visit.  To be honest, I hoped she hadn’t read my post.  She was one of my seventeen pregnant friends, and I wanted to talk about her baby and her pregnancy – about cravings and names and maternity clothes.  I wanted it to be a sweet, happy lunch.  And it was.   We talked about all the lovely baby stuff, and then she gave me a card and a gift.

She told me that she had read my post, and that this was the point in friendship when sometimes two friends walk away from each other for a while, because the pain and the awkwardness and the tenderness was too great.  She said she thought we could do better than that.

And then she handed me two pairs of safety goggles.

She said, 'When you feel like shattering something, I’ll be right there with you.  We’ll put on our safety goggles.  I’ll help you break something, and then I’ll help you clean it up.'

She said, 'You’ve been celebrating with me, and I’ll be here to grieve with you.  We can do this together.'

It took my breath away.  We cried together at the restaurant, the two of us, one pregnant, one not, sitting next to the window of an Italian restaurant on a busy street, each with a pair of Home Depot safety goggles, tears running down our faces.

It was one of the most extraordinary experiences of friendship I’ve ever had.  Because it would have been so easy for her to say, 'I’m in my happy season.  This is a wonderful, blessed season for me, and I don’t want Angry Pants over here wrecking it.'  She could have concluded it was so complicated to manage her joy and my sadness that she wouldn’t enter into this mess.  But she did enter in.

Something broke inside me that day.  Something cracked, and all the energy and fear and roiling anger drained out.  I felt calm and empty.  I felt sad but not devastated.  I was exhausted and couldn’t carry it anymore.

Enough.

It had reached fever pitch – consuming, obsessive, frantic.  Unsustainable.  It was like an addiction, and that moment was like getting sober – raw, silent, clear-eyed, the absolute stillness after a storm.  It felt like praying.

When I was sitting with Emily celebrating her good news, I felt what I’ve wanted to feel all along but couldn’t locate:  uncomplicated and deep happiness.  I felt happy for her.  Very, very happy.  And I feel so thankful for that feeling, for being able to be uncomplicatedly happy for the people I love.

It could all change again next month, I know.  I’ve been around this block for years now:  easier and harder, more complicated and less.  I‘m all serene and happy right now, but I could be back to throwing glassware next month.  Today, though, I’ll take what I can get.

Enough:  I don’t want to live like that anymore.  And enough:  I have enough.  I have more than I need, more than I could ask for.  I have a son who delights me every single day.  A husband I adore.  A family that walks with me well and friends who make the world feel rich.  I do work I care about – no small thing.

It’s not wrong to want another baby, but there’s a fine line in there, and I feel I’ve crossed it a few times these last months, and moved over into that terrible territory where you can’t be happy unless you have just that thing you want, no matter what else you have.  Speaking of children, that’s how they are – demanding, myopic, only able to focus on what they need in that moment.  That’s not how I want to live.  That’s not who I want to be.

I want to cultivate a deep sense of gratitude, of groundedness, of enough, even while I’m longing for something more.  The longing and the gratitude, both.  I’m practicing believing that God knows more than I know, that he sees what I can’t, that he’s weaving a future I can’t even imagine from where I sit this morning.

Extraordinary, indeed.

More than enough.”   

 (Chapter entitled “Enough” quoted from the book entitled Bread & Wine [a love letter to life around the table with recipes] by Shauna Niequist)

http://www.shaunaniequist.com/books/

 

The seasons that we each find ourselves in can seem ever so complicated.  Sometimes they are very similar and other times so opposing, strikingly different.  We each have our joys, passions, heartaches & struggles. 

Today, I am filled with gratitude for the dear people in my life that have shown up with “safety goggles” and chosen to enter into the mess of my current struggle.  The Hunter and I greatly appreciate each of you and the love, support, sensitivity, encouragement, prayers and kindness that you have gifted us with.  "Thank you," especially to the dear friends who have bravely shared with me their pregnancies and allowed me to enter into their season of joy and expectation.  It takes a generous amount of courage to risk pain, awkwardness and misunderstanding in order to bridge diverse seasons of joy and heartache.  Thank you for being courageous. 

The neat thing about gratitude is that it opens the lenses of one's heart to see more and more of the good surrounding them.  No doubt, I am experiencing joy in other areas that may be places of tremendous sorrow for you.  I hope to be just as courageous and compassionate as Shauna’s friend was above…willingly entering into another’s mess…showing up with joy to share, tears ready to shed, and “safety goggles" for any shattering.

2 Thessalonians 2:16-17 ESV

Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word.

Every journey and perspective is uniquely different.  Infertility continues to be a part of our journey.  Where ever you are today, I am happy you have visited my blog and I wonder if you also are balancing both deep longing and gratitude.  I pray that you realize fully that God and his grace are definitely more than enough for you and your journey.  Cling to Him…for oh, how He loves you!  And, the Lord is faithful!

2 Thessalonians 3:5 ESV

May the Lord direct your hearts to the love of God and to the steadfastness of Christ.

 

Truth, Gratitude & a Night Song

For several months now I have felt that this post needed to be written.  I have gathered thoughts and notes again and again and carved out the time to begin typing at least twice before today.  I am grateful for God’s grace, when I am apathetic and unmotivated.  Below are my previously drafted beginnings to this post: 

A few months ago: This time of year is full of reminders for me.  I love the smell of Spring in the air and the promise of warmer weather, green grass, budding trees and new life.  It was this time of year now 3 years ago that the Hunter and I set out to build our family.   There was no need to question that in 9 months we could give birth to those dreams.  But instead those 9 months have grown into 36 months and no births.  The struggle of infertility seems to be a cycle of months…days filled with hope and disappointment, longing and frustration, numbness and passion. 

This past week also marked a full year since the life changing afternoon when a sweet baby girl came into our home and stole our hearts.  It was explained that she would likely be a part of our family for 1 month…it’s been 12! 

The wonderful mystery of our futures!  Does anyone truly know what lies ahead?

Often I find myself guessing at the future, making my plans A, B, & C.  I feel safe and settled if I can see blue skies, calm waters, & beautiful scenery ahead.  Other times I can’t see my clear picture of the future because it is clouded with uncertainty, fear and even sadness?

Several weeks ago: This post began in my mind several months ago when the smell of Spring was fresh in the air and the promise of warmer weather, green grass, budding trees and new life was certain.  Today Summer is here with it’s scorching heat and humidity.  The grass needs mowing and the trees are full of green leaves and the sounds of the 17 year cicadas.

I guess I didn’t get very far on that one from several weeks ago and those cicadas that were sounding so happy and summer like became a plague to me during the weeks in between…a different story for a different time.  Summer is definitely here and I am enjoying the warm weather and fresh garden produce it brings.  Seasons change and time ticks ever on.  I wish I could tell you that our season of infertility has past, but it has NOT.   Those 36 months now reach 40…but within those months are seasons… seasons of optimism and devastating pain, seasons of rest and fierce striving, seasons of trust and crippling doubt, seasons of gratitude and hard questions. 

Everywhere I look it seems to be the season of babies and pregnancies…from the morning news anchor to the receptionist at the fertility clinic!  Dear friends and sweet relatives are expecting and delivering babies.  During a single week’s time, I counted 6 births and 3 announcements of new pregnancies among those I know.  One day, I listed 19 names of friends, family and acquaintances that were expecting!  If you share in our struggle with infertility please don’t do this, for there are precarious dangers when we begin to comparing our circumstances with someone else who has their own struggles and joys.  If you are one of these fine women who are expecting and giving birth to new life, please know that I love you and your babies!  You are welcome here!  I long to celebrate you and your arrivals full of gratitude to God for these precious gifts!  Romans 12:15 (NLT) commands it:  When others are happy, be happy with them.  If they are sad, share their sorrow. 

Still, there can be felt a raw hurt when our unmet longings become another’s joy.   My heart has felt it during this season.  Maybe yours has too.  Something about the extremes of joy and sorrow mingled closely causes each one to become even more poignant.  At times, I pray:  “Lord, help me to celebrate the joy in other people’s lives even when my heart is breaking…”  and in a voice full of comfort, tender love and grace He answers, “Done.”  and He helps me.

Other times, I focus on the raw wound and begin to question and doubt God’s goodness in this season that can seem so unkind. I stop giving thanks to God and as Romans 1:21 (ESV) describes, my ungratefulness makes way for a darkened heart and futile thoughts.  For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.  I stop giving thanks even when I have read and memorized Ephesians 5:18-20 (ESV)  which instructs us to not be drunk with wine, but instead to be filled with the Holy Spirit (verse 18) and therefore giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.  In the dark it becomes easy to surrender to lies regarding God’s character and abilities.  Truth is the only way to nullify these lies.  I need some truth to sing into my darkness and when it does, gratitude follows because God is Good.  He is Kind.  He is always Right and Trustworthy.  He is Patient and Gentle…A physician of sorts, healing my pain. God is my Savior!  He is my Hope! 

Psalm 28:7 (NLT) The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger.  I trust in him with all my heart.  He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.  I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

I have come to know and believe the love that God has for me.  (1 John 4:16 ESV)  I pray you have too or that you will.

Psalm 42:8 (NLT)  Through each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.

What I need is a Night Song…a reminder for the times when I stop giving thanks and find myself in the dark.  …And, I have found one!!  Two phrases repeated within the pages of Scripture:  Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!  His faithful love endures forever!  I challenge you to search out how many times these phrases are repeated in the Bible…God knew some of us, like me, would need a reminder.  

...AND one more"Night Song"

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Waiting Without Words.

Today, a day where words seem unlikely and a blog post impossible.  Today, I read the following post from another woman spotlighting, Elizabeth who becomes mother of John and is a close relative of Mary the mother of Jesus Christ...her full story is found in chapter 1 of the book of Luke in the Bible.  I find it encouraging and hope grows within...HOPE for the future...and HOPE for today.

Permission to be Real: Advent Day 1: Righteous and Childless

Advent...anticipated arrival...the coming.  The greatest arrival anticipated...the greatest coming:  Emanuel  (God with us).

"...God, when He comes-He shows up in this fetal ball. 
He who carved the edges of the cosmos curved Himself into a fetal ball in the dark, tethered Himself to the uterine wall of a virgin, and lets His cells divide...
He gave up the heavens that were not even large enough to contain Him and lets Himself be held in a hand.
The mystery so large becomes the Baby so small, and infinite God becomes infant.
The Giver becomes the Gift, this quiet offering. 
This heart beating in the chest cavity of a held child, a thrumming heart beating hope, beating change, beating love, beating the singular song you've been waiting for-that the whole dizzy planet's been spinning round waiting for.
Waiting.
Advent."

Ann Voskamp
 

The gift of REST to replace my wearisome worry.

Do you find yourself tired today or weighed down with life’s cares and tasks?  Are there circumstances and situations that cause you to anxiously strain ahead hoping to see their conclusion?  If yes, you are not alone.  To be honest, many questions have filled my mind since I last wrote.  Questions like:

 

When?

What if?

Where will what I so desperately need come from?

What is going on?

Do you love me?

How?

 

 Interesting how these questions spinning through my mind seem to add weight to my already cumbersome load and don’t ease my burden the slightest.  Can you relate?  Maybe all is right in your world today and the sun is shining brightly.  If so, know that I am sincerely happy for you.  There are days like this, but even on the best of days it doesn’t take long to look around and find something worrisome nearby…something heavy that is affecting your family or friends, some unknown ending to a current circumstance or a vivid fear pressing hard against your heart.  What are we to do with these?

 

Today, I am sitting alone in a quiet and peaceful spot, a comfy chair with the relaxing sound of rain falling on the windows.  In moments like this the heartache and pain of infertility seem to be removed a bit and the cares of life feel a little less heavy.  How in the world do I keep this feeling of quiet rest throughout the week of crazy days and hectic schedules, things gone wrong and heartache and especially in the midst of the above mentioned questions? 

 

The Hunter and I continue to find ourselves in the unique place of encountering the joys and challenges of parenting a now almost 10 month old beautiful baby girl and weathering the continuous cycle of infertility.  I can relate with the tired mother longing for some quality alone time with her husband, and I have cried the tears of hopes dashed by another month gone by.   

 

Our situations and cares are all so diverse and yet so similar.  Everyone has their own joys and burdens. 

 

Once in a while I stare at your joys and wish they were mine.  I watch your belly grow with new life and wish it were mine.  I see your excitingly romantic date night and wish it were on my calendar.  But if I could see your cares and burdens fully, rarely if ever would I wish for them to be mine.  Isn’t that how we are?  We see another person’s sunshine and want it for ourselves…never considering taking on his or her troubles, heartaches, worries and grief.  Then consequently we feel worse about our current situation and doubt God’s sight, ability, wisdom, goodness and possibly His very existence. 

 

Amid new details that continue to cloud our sweet baby girl’s future with uncertainty and the pain of infertility still etched deeply on my heart, God is and has been oh so good to me! 

 

A dear friend recently shared with me the thrilling news that after trying for several months, she was pregnant!  We had shared the ups and downs of waiting for a baby and as she shared this news with me she was full of grace and compassion, knowing her joy was still my longing and pain.  I was sincerely happy for her.  I want good things for others especially my close friends.  As our conversation ended she said “Melody, I just feel like you deserve it more.”  While it is true that the Hunter and I have been trying to conceive for quite a bit longer, something about this statement didn’t seem right.  Somehow, I did not feel more worthy of blessing than my sweet friend.  Later when the sentence was repeated by text it occurred to me what was wrong.  Both my dear friend and I were sinners, to whom God had given His very life to save from death and Hell, the only things either of us really deserve!  God has been Oh so GOOD to both of us!  She and I can be fully happy in her pregnancy knowing that God has not held out on me.  She and I can be thankful and content knowing that God has already given us everything!   

 

Psalm 116:1-7 (NLT)

I love the LORD because he hears and answers my prayers.

Because he bends down and listens, I will pray as long as I have breath!

Death had its hands around my throat; the terrors of the grave overtook me. 

I saw only trouble and sorrow.

Then I called on the name of the LORD;

“Please, LORD, save me!”

How kind the LORD is!  How good he is!

So merciful, this God of ours!

The LORD protects those of childlike faith;

I was facing death, and then he saved me.

Now I can rest again, for the LORD has been so good to me.

 

Beyond already rescuing me from wages of sin and granting me eternal life through faith in the death and resurrection of Christ Jesus, God has also given me a key to keeping  this feeling of rest that I am currently enjoying as I sip my Chai tea.  The ability to rest throughout the weeks of crazy days and hectic schedules, things gone wrong and heartache and especially in the midst of those above questions can be a reality.

 

Philippians 4:6-9

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.  Tell God what you need and thank him for all he has done.  If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

 

Don’t worry.  Don’t…meaning STOP IT! 

 

Until just recently, I have mistakenly translated this in my life as “make an attempt to not worry” or “it’s impossible not to worry, but it would be good if you didn’t” or even “if worry is disguised as planning, then it is surely acceptable”.  Please don’t make my error.

 

…DON”T worry. 

As in DO NOT worry.  Then just for those like me, he adds "About ANYTHING", to clear up any ifs, ands or buts! 

 

Worry accomplishes nothing except weighing us down.

 

Matthew 6:27 (NLT)

Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?  Of course not.

 

Proverbs 12:25 (NLT)

Worry weighs a person down; an encouraging word cheers a person up.

 

Instead of worrying which accomplishes nothing and weighs us down, we are to pray about EVERYTHING.  More specifically, we are instructed to tell God what we need and thank him for all he has done.  I have only begun to replace my worries with prayers, my fears with trust and my wants with thanksgiving, but I can tell you that the promise of God’s peace is real.  It is a peace so wonderful that we cannot understand it!  When this peace guards my heart and mind, I find a place of rest.  No longer am I straining to grasp control with my heavy worries.  I am calm and still, knowing God is good and more than capable to handle my questions and take my worries. 

 

I love it when I get the chance to hold our baby girl after she has fallen fast asleep!  She finally stops striving to stay awake and snuggles into my chest, fully trusting me to not drop her on the floor and knowing that I care deeply for her no matter how fussy she became before this nap.  These moments are few and becoming fewer still as she is more mobile.  She is starting to walk now and I have also found that I love it when she hurries to my arms for comfort and enjoyment.  Whether she is scared, hurt or just playing, I sense a peace and rest when she is in my arms.  J  I wonder if this is a faint portrait of what it is like when I find peace and rest after praying to God.  What a great place to be, in the “arms of God”.  It is a place of great security. 

 

Psalm 63:8b  (NLT)

…(God’s) strong right hand holds me securely.

 

Psalm 27:10

Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.

 

Metaphorically speaking, have you ever climbed up in his lap, given him your cares and concerns, then laid on his chest resting peacefully?  The perfect place of rest and peace is in God’s capable and loving arms.

 

I Peter 5:7 (NLT)

Give all your worries and cares to God,

for he cares about what happens to you.

 
 

 

Numbers 6:26 (NLT)

May the LORD show you his favor and give you his peace.