Truth, Gratitude & a Night Song

For several months now I have felt that this post needed to be written.  I have gathered thoughts and notes again and again and carved out the time to begin typing at least twice before today.  I am grateful for God’s grace, when I am apathetic and unmotivated.  Below are my previously drafted beginnings to this post: 

A few months ago: This time of year is full of reminders for me.  I love the smell of Spring in the air and the promise of warmer weather, green grass, budding trees and new life.  It was this time of year now 3 years ago that the Hunter and I set out to build our family.   There was no need to question that in 9 months we could give birth to those dreams.  But instead those 9 months have grown into 36 months and no births.  The struggle of infertility seems to be a cycle of months…days filled with hope and disappointment, longing and frustration, numbness and passion. 

This past week also marked a full year since the life changing afternoon when a sweet baby girl came into our home and stole our hearts.  It was explained that she would likely be a part of our family for 1 month…it’s been 12! 

The wonderful mystery of our futures!  Does anyone truly know what lies ahead?

Often I find myself guessing at the future, making my plans A, B, & C.  I feel safe and settled if I can see blue skies, calm waters, & beautiful scenery ahead.  Other times I can’t see my clear picture of the future because it is clouded with uncertainty, fear and even sadness?

Several weeks ago: This post began in my mind several months ago when the smell of Spring was fresh in the air and the promise of warmer weather, green grass, budding trees and new life was certain.  Today Summer is here with it’s scorching heat and humidity.  The grass needs mowing and the trees are full of green leaves and the sounds of the 17 year cicadas.

I guess I didn’t get very far on that one from several weeks ago and those cicadas that were sounding so happy and summer like became a plague to me during the weeks in between…a different story for a different time.  Summer is definitely here and I am enjoying the warm weather and fresh garden produce it brings.  Seasons change and time ticks ever on.  I wish I could tell you that our season of infertility has past, but it has NOT.   Those 36 months now reach 40…but within those months are seasons… seasons of optimism and devastating pain, seasons of rest and fierce striving, seasons of trust and crippling doubt, seasons of gratitude and hard questions. 

Everywhere I look it seems to be the season of babies and pregnancies…from the morning news anchor to the receptionist at the fertility clinic!  Dear friends and sweet relatives are expecting and delivering babies.  During a single week’s time, I counted 6 births and 3 announcements of new pregnancies among those I know.  One day, I listed 19 names of friends, family and acquaintances that were expecting!  If you share in our struggle with infertility please don’t do this, for there are precarious dangers when we begin to comparing our circumstances with someone else who has their own struggles and joys.  If you are one of these fine women who are expecting and giving birth to new life, please know that I love you and your babies!  You are welcome here!  I long to celebrate you and your arrivals full of gratitude to God for these precious gifts!  Romans 12:15 (NLT) commands it:  When others are happy, be happy with them.  If they are sad, share their sorrow. 

Still, there can be felt a raw hurt when our unmet longings become another’s joy.   My heart has felt it during this season.  Maybe yours has too.  Something about the extremes of joy and sorrow mingled closely causes each one to become even more poignant.  At times, I pray:  “Lord, help me to celebrate the joy in other people’s lives even when my heart is breaking…”  and in a voice full of comfort, tender love and grace He answers, “Done.”  and He helps me.

Other times, I focus on the raw wound and begin to question and doubt God’s goodness in this season that can seem so unkind. I stop giving thanks to God and as Romans 1:21 (ESV) describes, my ungratefulness makes way for a darkened heart and futile thoughts.  For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.  I stop giving thanks even when I have read and memorized Ephesians 5:18-20 (ESV)  which instructs us to not be drunk with wine, but instead to be filled with the Holy Spirit (verse 18) and therefore giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.  In the dark it becomes easy to surrender to lies regarding God’s character and abilities.  Truth is the only way to nullify these lies.  I need some truth to sing into my darkness and when it does, gratitude follows because God is Good.  He is Kind.  He is always Right and Trustworthy.  He is Patient and Gentle…A physician of sorts, healing my pain. God is my Savior!  He is my Hope! 

Psalm 28:7 (NLT) The LORD is my strength, my shield from every danger.  I trust in him with all my heart.  He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy.  I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.

I have come to know and believe the love that God has for me.  (1 John 4:16 ESV)  I pray you have too or that you will.

Psalm 42:8 (NLT)  Through each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.

What I need is a Night Song…a reminder for the times when I stop giving thanks and find myself in the dark.  …And, I have found one!!  Two phrases repeated within the pages of Scripture:  Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!  His faithful love endures forever!  I challenge you to search out how many times these phrases are repeated in the Bible…God knew some of us, like me, would need a reminder.  

...AND one more"Night Song"

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